Why it is It's been hellovagood being back to work and playing my instrument like I should, I almost shed small tears with the beginning passage of Mendelssohn Scottish Symphony. Not because it's vla soli nor because it's sentimental as if the tune was around for millions of years but because it felt as good as coming out of a nap after a day at the spa. No, it was even better. It is hard being a mom. Even though my baby is 16 months and we are contemplating having our second, I am still shell-shocked with my oh so different life style after the baby. I keep reminding myself the change is for the better; and it most definitely is heaven on earth to hold my fluffy and deliciously muffin-y baby close and kiss his round and soft noggin. On the flip side, I no longer have the same professional life. My list of to-dos have changed from practicing several hours a day to visiting baby gap, babiesrus, toysrus and drug stores for the right diapers. I am a professional mommy. It takes just as much focus & energy, if not more, to be a good parent as it is to be a musician. Winning a seat in an orchestra is challenging & incredibly difficult and I like to compare it to winning a lottery ticket. It simply does not matter one was ivy educated and it wouldn't make any difference for the Queen of England to win an audition. The process of it is truly inhumane and gruesome. Of course that is IF you choose to work like a dog. After working like a dog and slaving away to make a single quarter note sound like a computer generated noise, here I am working like a dog and making sure I am doing my best to be a good mom. This time not only do I need to find that sweet-spot where everything fits like jigsaw bits but I need to be a psychologist and a prophet as well. I need higher powers for this profession called motherhood. What a complete shock it is! I feel like a pre programmed robot who has been taken away from her platform. Instead of constantly gaining more notes, I simply felt my feet drop into twilight zone with the arrival of my new life style. As a single woman who dreamed of simple pleasures & a small happy family of my own 'someday', I had never understood the magnitude of being someone's wife nor a parent. How about the shocking truth of labor? So I had no energy to scream nor make any noise like I thought every woman in labor DID. In that completely degrading position, I had a stream of tear rolling onto the floor...... not from the pain but for that moment of truth. That realization of what a female body was capable of. No, I was shocked THAT was what all mothers had done since the original sin. For the first time, I felt sorry for all fellow females. Giving birth was was truly a humbling experience. Of course, bigger shocks started rolling in continuously from minutes later as I shook uncontrollably. After my maternity leave-period, the world was apparently exactly the same... but I knew something you didn't know. No one besides other moms knew just what I had been through physically and mentally during my absence. Sure, my incredibly calm husband stood by me the entire time. He stood at my side not flinching an eyebrow even with the massive amounts of red he witnessed. Sure he volunteers to wake up at wee hours night after night to comfort his son. Unfortunately, it does not change that they have no idea what it is a female goes through during the entire pregnancy + postpartum period. sorry Once I finally graduated my postpartum stage with honors - for being the nuttiest wife -, I did recognize what a nightmare freak I had been. I simply could not believe some of my behaviors and reactions. I mean, who cries during Doritos commercials? I have come a long way since and I am back on my platform. I get to dress for work, I get to make sure my hair isn't looking like Thing #1 or Thing #2. I get to really dress up for the performances and make my heart beat with the excitement then hope that most people - and MAYBE some people like WooJ -would get it in the audience. However, the best part of it all, I get to stay with my mom and dad. I have them as babysitters and I get to watch a TON of Korean video tapes! Last night I made the mistake of watching Mat Jo Eun TV (Delicious TV) where they travel all over Korea seeking out good food. I admit I am particularly sensitive with people who make ANY kind of noise when they eat however, I have discovered probably 98% of Koreans make a bunch of gnawing noises during meals then some. They certainly did on the program last night eating everything from a month old fish Kimchee, Octapus, Squid sashimi, NaengMun(cold noodle), SamGuppSal(pork) to Catfish(I didn't know Koreans ate catfish). The point is, the way they present the program made MY MOUTH WATER. Their stuffed mouths FORCED me to descend all 25 steps 11pm for a package of ramen noodles. I know that's jail worthy for women but guess what, on another program I learned how to get rid of double chin as well as flappers under your arms. I love Korean video tapes, it's better than cable, it's better than Tivo. I will go ahead and pinch my underarm downward and flip my head back and over for 5 minutes to burn those noodles off tonight.

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